Today I received my first piece of hate mail. It was disguised as a helpful critique of my writing, but what I uncovered was an emotionally driven and intentionally hurtful email.
This anonymous reader placed severe judgements on the part I play in romantic relationships and in my supposed avoidance in "doing any hard work with placid excuse after excuse as if you are going about it all the right way."
The only way I go is MY way. No exceptions and no excuses! I never claimed my way to be right. I take the time to navigate my feelings before I take action while in a relationship and in it's closing. I haven't always chosen the right course of action, but the fact that I am aware and care to look within and find meaning to why is what sets me apart from most. It's what also sparks my growth. We all grow at our own capacity and our own rate. With or without a partner, I march to my own step.
It does indeed take two to tango and I sure do like to dance. I am not closed minded to the degree that I only see things "my way." I'm wide open to exploring my insecurities and fears--with the right person. What signifies the "right person?" We all have our own preference, but for me it is one who allows me to unravel my hurts at my own pace. Poking and prodding at a sensitive being such as myself with calculated deviance of a personal perception of what love should be is wrong. It's cruel. Love is an open act, not a director's deliberate scene take and I'm not on a fucking audition.
I have never claimed to be a relationship guru. I simply share the truth of my experiences. KindyVerse also is not a persona that I present. I do at times write about who I am fucking, but also and more importantly about who the fuck I am. Take it or leave it. Whether or not people relate to me or my writing is not of interest to me. I appreciate it and thoroughly enjoy reading people's stories they bravely share with me, but it's not my ultimate goal. Whether my words have become tiny gifts you've unwrapped or they have surfaced big painful truths you do not wish to face, what you choose to do with these gifts (they both are) is your responsibility, not mine. Either way my goal is achieved. I yearn to make you feel.
I have never been a well behaved woman. Fact. I have indeed been careless with delicate men just to feed my ego. In my past I have broken boys just because I know I can. I wont deny it. I take full responsibility. I'm not playing that game anymore. Self actualization is something I seek daily. I am constantly doing the work. So much so that I forget about the other areas of life, you know like fun and stuff? In the depths of my self love I still frequently meet with fear. I guard my heart like a lioness, tired from heartbreak and weary of the unknown. I am still afraid of real intimacy. It terrifies me. All great things usually do.
I understand and accept that receiving negative feedback comes with this territory. This platform was not created to complain or to give tid-bits of advice, but to share pieces of who I am. There is one very important word in that last sentence--pieces. There are hurting pieces, healing pieces, funny pieces, juicy pieces, artistic pieces, insecure pieces, loving pieces, whole, sliced, cubed and diced. The list is never-ending and I will never stop exploring it. I refuse to half-ass love my way through life. I'm a sharer by nature, but ultimately sharing is a choice. If I choose to share a piece of my cake with a man it is because I trust he won't devour the entire slice without appreciating it's taste or doesn't just want to lick the frosting and walk away.
When I feel safe I will give myself to someone fully. So fully that they will overflow and ask me to chill the fuck out. Be careful what you wish for. I was dropped on my heart as a child several times over. I am not a victim of my past, but the equivalent to it. I'm a feeler, I feel it all. I am highly intuitive, but I still struggle in trust. I struggle in always trusting my gut because I was manipulated into love as a young child and taken advantage of emotionally, sexually, and physically. As an adult safety is important to me because it's absence in my childhood will always be my biggest heartache. No matter how much inner work I pursue, that heartache will forever exist. I'm unsure when or if my heart will ever stop breaking for the tiny tot that endured more than anyone should ever have to, but these days I invite her with warmth and I remind her that not everyone is dangerous. I know this to be true. I've experienced this safety in love. Although it exists, learning to trust a gut instinct when it has been poisoned takes patience and persistence. My willingness exceeds my heartache ten fold.
My gut instinct tells me to share my story, so I trust it. I share here. Where and who I choose to share with in my personal life is my choice. I was asked to respect this reader for sharing anonymously in their evaluation of my love life, but the truth is I can not find respect when all I see is a coward. Lay your heart on the line and then come talk to me dear reader. Not signing your name to such harsh judgment is like meeting at a sword fight and forgetting to bring your sword. You've met yourself a warrior.
Your lovingly evolving warrior princess,
Kindra Lee Murphy