I've always lived on the edge. Throughout my life I was unconsciously, but constantly fighting a sick and twisted inner battle. Not quite ready to jump off the edge, yet also not willing to do the work to climb out of my towering emotions. I was stuck.
I didn't realize a state of consciousness free of all negativity was an option. At least not for me.
I didn't realize the guilt, sadness, bitterness, and pain that pierced my heart grew from my frequent visits to my past.
I didn't realize that the anxiety, tension, stress, and worry I held in my bones came from my incessant future-hopping.
My Mother would calmly listen to my heart's hurts and gently try to persuade me to the Now, "Well, you have everything you wanted five years ago right now and you're still unhappy..." She knew my patterns. She lived through my pain with me. She knew I had to heal it on my own and she knew that I would.
When I told her my idea of the Brave Babes Movement we were facetiming and the excitement that flowed through me was like nothing I've ever felt before. I had to hold my composure as I was walking through LAX with headphones in holding back tears, whisper screaming to her, "This is not for me Mom, it's for EVERYONE!" She said, "Here is the answer you've been searching for. I'm so proud that you've never given up your search." What she meant was, "You've finally found yourself chickadee!" (thanks Mama)
After sharing my story via the the Brave Babes Movement I felt something I've never felt before in my entire 30 years, it's what I call inner peace. I felt my true Being for the very first time. I was completely in the Now. I finally stepped into my power.
The week following, when I woke up, I woke up in a different apartment. I saw different surroundings. I saw details. I even felt details. My sensations were exploding through my fingertips. My awareness was at an all time peak. I saw true beauty. The trees in my neighborhood were greener and the air I breathed felt fresher. I felt a sense of excitement for no apparent reason. I felt gratitude. Not because I wrote affirmations in my journal, but because LIVED it. Right there in that very moment. In the NOW.
It's incredible to me that some people live in this state of inner peace naturally. That they didn't have to fight for it. I see now why I've been so misunderstood throughout my life. I finally understand and accept myself which in turn has helped those in my life understand and accept me.
I see me, you see me.
Perception is reflection.
I also know and have connected with many people that still struggle to reach this space of "freedom."
Do. Not. Give. Up.
This is available to you as well.
My purpose in this life is to help you see this truth. By living my life transparently I believe I can do this. By sharing my mess openly. My mess is my message.
That is my gift to the world. My gift to you.
"I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you!" -note to self xo