Myra Kokke

My name is Myra, I'm the founder of House of Rogue, where I'm using my experiences with the deep desire to help others find their way back to their inner self and their inner source of strength and wisdom. I'm here to share my story. Not in heartbreaking details, not in sadness, but hopefully as an inspiration. Because I survived. I am still here, I am loved and I am happy.
If trauma was a game of poker, I'd have a royal flush in hand. Bullied at school and sports for many years as a child, I ended up in bad relationships with cheating boyfriends, denigrating me, humiliating me, and putting me down for many years. I did not like nor love myself and I felt that I deserved it all. At young age, I got sexually assaulted for the first time. When reaching out for help, the answer I received was "don't cry, that's just the way he is, toughen up, nothing to be sad about".

And so I did.

By the time I reached the age of 16, I lost my virginity by rape. Being all tough and having nothing to be sad about, I told myself that it wasn't a real rape. I didn't get pulled off my bicycle on the way home and nobody was holding me against the ground. Besides, there were many worse horror stories of people who deserve to feel sorry for themselves. More sexual assaults followed. I greeted them as a 'normal part of life'.

It took me many years to admit to myself that it was a rape. I did not want it, I tried to scream, I tried to fight. The first time I shared my story to a boyfriend, the answer I got was "Why are you crying? It's not that bad, my mom got raped as well and she's not crying about it is she?" ... So again, my shutters closed, I toughened up, hardened my shell and crawled back to the safety of closure.

At the age of 20, my parents got a divorce. After this separation of balance, I started seeing my mother as the person she truly is. Having gone through traumatic experiences as a child, she couldn't find her balance anymore. She could be the fun, loving, warm and caring mom, or she could be the scary, crazy, suffocating, denigrating and bullying mom. I remembered how, at the age of 7, she told me that I was her only saviour, that I was responsible for her happiness.
After many months of struggling I decided to confront her, and with the question "You've never been capable to love me, have you?" the answer was a clear and simple "No". I was relieved to be confirmed in what I had always felt. And yet again, I toughened up, because that's just life.
An illness surfaced. The world started spinning and I was dizzy 24/7. Unable to walk, unable to function, unable to live my life the way I wanted. Many hospitals and specialists followed. Many appointments, many disappointments. Could be a brain tumor, could be PTSS. After a fall on my head, it got worse. My brain created an over sensitivity for senses. Lights, sounds, tastes. Anything could make me dizzy. It won't pass, there's no solution, it's just part of me now. 

My journey continued, gaining more and more awareness of my true self. I had many conversations with the little girl inside myself and with that, reached a place of inner peace. I found my true love and I've never trusted anyone to come that close. He reached straight to my heart and didn't let go. Within the process of opening up and getting even closer to my inner self, suppressed memories surfaced. The uncle from whom I've always felt something wasn't right, that uncle that scared me and from whom I never realised why, had sexually abused me. He was a paedophile and his wife allowed him to be who he was. While those memories were surfacing, memories of my own mother 'crossing boundaries' surfaced as well. Many nightmares followed, many sleepless nights. But again, it gave me the relief of knowing why I function, the way I function.

There's the "winning hand." Physical and emotional harassment, an incurable illness, assault, rape, abuse.. And I forgive them all. I feel sorry for them. I feel sorry for my uncle, feeling what he felt, knowing it's sick and twisted, and probably having had a horrible childhood himself. I feel sorry for the men that raped, harassed and assaulted me, regretting those mistakes for the rest of their lives, lying to themselves that it didn't happen. I feel sorry for my mother, who is incapable of love, who had a horrible childhood and experienced the same things in life as myself. I am here to break the circle. I forgive them.

Not just as the woman I am now, but as the little girl I was back then. Because that little girl has an enormous heart. That little girl has the biggest belief and trust in the people in this world. That little girl sees the good in the most disturbed and bad people. That little girl back then, is the woman I am now. That woman decided not to linger in the past, to stop looking back. She decided to accept what was and to embrace what is.

Everything happens for a reason, so who am I to not share the lessons I've learned. Who am I to not help those in need, who am I not to guide those lost in their search. With that motivation, I started House of Rogue. A safe haven for those looking for advise, inspiration or an answer to their questions. With the dream to, some day in the future, create that safe haven in real life. A retreat to safety, in the middle of nature to meditate, talk, walk, share or to simply escape the horrors in life for a while.

For all who are still struggling. You have an infinite source of power, wisdom and love within yourself. You only need to learn how to tap into it. I believe in you, you are stronger than you think. I am Myra. I am still here. I am happy, I am loving, I am kind, I am rogue.

I. AM!

I love and accept myself. 

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