Gabrielle Howell

I've been hesitant to write this entry. Who am I to share? Who is truly going to care about my day-to-day experiences. Why is my voice more significant than others. The truth is, that it isn't! Everyone has something valuable that they can contribute. That, with bravery, has the ability to connect us on a deeper level. That being said, I want to share my thoughts on courage & vulnerability. It takes earth-shattering courage to open your whole self up. To be transparent. To share the darkest corners of yourself. But when we are able to be so open, so raw, so real, we also open ourselves up to the ultimate LOVE. A love that fills us up with every emotion known to man. A love that despite your self-doubt and self-destructive ways can radiate from within and pour out on all that lives in your presence.

For a long time, I have lived in a world whereI i was masking what was reality. I masked this in order to keep up with the illusion that I was happy in every aspect of my life: that my family was full of joy, that my relationship was full of mutual respect, that my soul was at peace. Who was I trying to display these foreign concepts to? Was it for others or was it for me? Was it a way for me to cope with the actual reality of my day in, day out interactions, my day-to-day grind? Looking back in retrospect I believe it was. Had I not compartmentalized my feelings and found silence & calm despite all of the chaos, I may not be here. To live in a place of fear and doubt wears & tears on your soul.

At the time - as a woman, a mother, a wife, my feelings & intuitions took a back seat to the needs of my family. They took a back seat to the idea that I wanted my whole family to be together. Why does that happen. Why do we swallow our feelings, our abuse, our neglect for the sake of "trying to make it work?" Sometimes it is a necessary evil. Had I not lived through every second chance, through every dishonest ploy from my "partner", through the scar that stares back at me everyday as a reminder that I am stronger than all of this, I may not be the person I am in this moment... I may not be able to help other women who have stood or are standing in that same position. Out of respect for my children I will not get into the nitty gritty details of "what happened" but I will say this... I am surviving & I have found my ultimate LOVE... me! This is a relationship that through time & healing will give them such abundance. We talk about this concept so often in the yoga community, about our cup being so full that it overflows onto others. That is my goal for myself and everyone that is around me: my children, my sisters, their families, my parents, my friends. I want to be so full that I can't help but LOVE all over them!!!
Since the moment I became - once again - a single women, I have moved each day closer & closer to clarity. Away from the haze of lies, dishonesty, harm, fear. I am able to feel LOVE & positive energy. When we are forced into a situation where we are catering to & nurturing negative influences in our life, it doesn't give us time to help the positive connections flourish. Since I have more time to dedicate physically, emotionally, spiritually to the "positives" the swirl around me, more positive interactions & opportunities have opened themselves up to me. The world, though uncertain, looks brighter. In the forefront of my mind, I constantly think "positivity breeds positivity"! The universe/god/allah/whatever-you-worship will provide when you are in alignment with your true self and making decisions with LOVE in your heart.

So in closing, I want to share this: No matter what your situation, give yourself the gift of your ultimate LOVE! Let your soul be open to positive energy, let your heart be free from fear, let your mind be awakened by clarity. I send my LOVE to you today & everyday. Feel empowered to stand up for true LOVE!

I am Gabrielle and I love and accept myself. 

Kindra MurphyComment