Samantha Lake Ferrand
So my story. Its has been a long journey for me in the discovery of love and loving myself. I had spent 10 long years stuck in feelings of unworthiness, self-loathing and as if I was never going to be loved. This manifested itself in many ways such as drug addiction, a life changing suicide attempt, really poor choices in relationships of all kinds, anger, and agony.
I don't even really know where to start. I have never written anything like this before. I guess relationships. So 16 was my first male abusive relationship. At first it was just the occasional rudeness which at first wasn't bad. I would think , you know, he's acting like an ass or having a bad day. After months and years passed it gradually got worse such as being choked out on the floor. Now, I will not absolve myself from all my contributions to this situation. I did have a bad ass mouth on me and I quite literally triggered the hell outta them on occasions and as I've learned hurt people hurt people.
I had been in 3 of these from 16 yrs old and ending in 2009 at 22 yrs old with each one just a little worse than the last one. By the time I was in my 3rd and last abusive relationship I was being physically asaulted, verbally abused daily and sexualy asaulted. I had my ribs permanantly popping in and out of place, my head cracked open and public humiliations of all kinds. Of Course I was also a drug addict and getting high in some kind of form, daily.
Once I escaped the worst relationship I had ever been in, I decided to say "fuck it all" and never commit again. I decided to just have casual sexual relationships with everyone I liked, man or woman. I would lived by myself and closed myself off for a whole year util 2010.
About Mid 2010 I was introduced to a rather spectacular way of thinking through spirituality which just so happened to come my way. Since 2010 (I am currently 30 yrs old) I have been learning about unconditionally loving myself and others, what love is and how valuable I really am. I have been learning how to overcome pain and suffering and instead utilizing Joy, Love and Hope. AHHH so many goodies I could share both painful or joyful. I am border line grateful for all the experiences I have had even though I wouldnt wish it upon anyone.
I am currently happily married and have gone through healing I never thought I would go through. There is so much light around me and my world view has completely changed. I still struggle alot but I have something I never really had before until now and that is Hope and Love.
This is part of my story that I barely share and I probably need to more often.
Totes a Brave Babe!
I am Samantha, I love and accept myself.