I was physically assaulted when I was 16 years old, by an older *boy* who was 6 foot something. In my own home, he aggressively abused my body and threatened to end my life.
I was damaged in all ways. I hated and feared all parts of my life as this story took complete charge. I didn’t feel safe within my own skin. I was terrified to step foot outside of my house yet I no longer felt any sort of comfort or security in being there. I didn’t feel at home anywhere. And even with all of the love and support surrounding me, I couldn’t feel much other than the smallness I felt in this story. I eventually learnt how to silence the noise within me, wipe my tears, dust off my heart and pack up the rest.
I’d sort and organize through my emotional storage as the years went by, sometimes seeing this box and taking some time to quickly tend to it, other times intentionally ignoring it, to completely forgetting about it.
I’ve recently been called to do deep shadow work and I knew that I needed to unpack this box and finally tend to it honestly to heal this trauma. I’d write, sit, cry and pray, feeling both a physical and emotional release. As heavy as it may have been, inviting the residue of a traumatic experience to surface, it was empowering to come face to face with fear.
I felt much lighter, clearer and back in charge but there was still a piece of me that felt disconnected. I didn’t know what else I needed to do, so I put this on pause.
Yesterday, I was suddenly urged to smudge the room that the assault happened in, without it actually on my mind, but with the pure intention to cleanse the space and clear the energy. Then suddenly, I was taken to my knees and a powerful and uncontrollable cry took over me. I had absolutely no idea what it was but I was able to consciously tell myself that I was safe and okay - to let go, feel, be present and honestly be with whatever it is that needed my undivided attention.
It was my broken 16 year old me.
She guided me through that threatening night we experienced 9 years ago. The emotions, feelings, vibrations were as alive and real as they were then. Still screens of what happened flashed through my mind. My body was moved to each place I was grabbed, choked and thrown around. The sensations were real and everything was so vivid.
I surrendered to this moment completely and held my 16 year old me so close with the utmost love and support. I reclaimed myself at this moment and vowed to always show up for myself, especially when shit gets tough. This was the most empowering moment I have ever experienced in my life.
I showed up for myself 100%. I held me with everything that I had. I came face to face with a trauma and listened to what it needed from me to heal. I embraced fear, pain and hate with my open heart and infused it with unconditional love, forgiveness and compassion. I detached the hold an old story had on me and finally reclaimed my power.
To the troubled souls mistreating and abusing, I send you love and forgiveness. I hope you find your way and are guided back into the light - we will welcome you in our embrace. To the healing souls who have suffered from abuse, I’m with you. I send you love and strength. I hope you find the courage to dive into this deep and beautiful soul work to reclaim your power and to share your story.
May we all stand together and continue to empower each other to be our best selves.
“If we resist, it will persist, if we feel, it can be healed.”
I am Lori,
a Brave Babe,
and I love and accept myself.