Life is funny, isn't it?
Some days you can find yourself wrapped in the arms of the love of your life feeling so cherished and loved; a feeling you never knew existed. Some days you can find yourself feeling joyful and excited before opening your favorite candy bar or finding your favorite drink that was discontinued months ago.
I hope you all have days like this.
But unfortunately, we know that's not always true. Is it?
Some days the sadness is so overbearing you can't find your feet to the floor or even the energy to form words out of your mouth. Some days the anxiety will leave you immovable even though everyone around you if screaming ‘it'll be okay.’
If you're like me.. one day you will have found yourself sobbing, bloody on the bathroom floor calling out for help, even though you know no one is home.
I don't ever remember being happy as a child. Of course I had happy moments like going bowling with my dad and sister, seeing new movies, eating my favorite food (mashed potatoes of course), but at the end of the night I never found myself excited for the next day. I never looked forward to new adventures. I always dreaded getting up in the morning.
Ever since I could remember. I was afraid.
Mary, the women who gave birth to me (because giving birth doesn't give you the respectable title as a mother.) wasn't a kind woman. Thinking about her now has me on edge like she's about to walk through my bedroom door, cigarette in hand yelling about how I’m not a good enough daughter and am a waste of space. Yelling wasn't the only thing she was good at. Belittling, ignoring, leaving at all hours of the night, forgetting to buy food, and even stuffing me into the basement for the night. Bringing terrible, awful men into our home could be added to the list of her talents. It often baffled me why she chose to have children even though it was made it very clear from the start that she never wanted us. Her cigarette stained teeth spitting every time she talked, barking orders as if we were her own personal slaves. Our existence was clearly only for the tax money she got at the beginning of each year.
It always confused me how the person who gives birth to you could also choose to deem you unworthy of love. Growing up I struggled with this constant thought of “If I’m not even good enough for my own mother, flesh and blood, who could I be good enough for?”
I still struggle with this daily.
I fell into an unhealthy pattern of giving myself to the wrong people. Whether they were friends or lovers they were never good. Specifically, a relationship that left me emotionally and physically wounded for life. Domestic violence was something I never knew about until I was standing at the feet of a police officer begging for help. It never occurred to me that something was wrong. I willfully believed that what I was going through in my relationship was normal and that whenever something went wrong it was my fault and I had to do whatever it took to fix it. I lost myself for three whole years and I’m still finding my pieces around every corner I turn.
When you’re a senior in high school the only thing you should be stressed about is what college to go to, or when to take your SATs and who’s taking who to prom. Not about who you're talking to and if this turtleneck shows too much of my body and too make sure to answer text messages before the 4-minute warning. Vivid pictures pop up in my head every time I let my mind wander. All the things I experienced and felt come rushing back in and I can't move. The screaming, the bruises, the lying to teachers and friends. The fear of having to not only go home to a mother who didn't want me but the fear of always having to be doing what was deemed acceptable by my own boyfriend, because if not; consequences could leave me with a punch to the face or my body thrown into a radiator. Love was this twisted idea that I clung to. I didn't see anything wrong because I thought I needed him. I couldn't mess this up because who else was going to ‘love’ me.
I was 18 when I found myself again. I was damaged, confused and heartbroken. I had no plans for college and I hadn't even taken my SATs yet. I didn't know how to make decisions on my own or even how to pick out an outfit to wear without being afraid I was going to get in trouble. I was forced to start fixing my life even though I didn't know where to start.
People always tell me that God only gives you what you could handle. This statement only left me feeling weak and betrayed by God. It leaves me wondering what I did to deserve all the terrible things that have happened to me since I was born. Abuse after abuse, assault after assault from “friends”, “family”, and “loved ones.” It left me drained, empty, lost.
I didn't know it would take so long for the body to bleed out to the point of death. I didn't know that I would start to regret it after I already started to fall. I wasn't trying to leap to death I was trying to leap into a different life. I was trying to fly so fast but I was never getting anywhere closer to where I wanted to be.
Life has thrown me a lot of curve balls and sometimes I still feel myself getting hit square in the face with them, but I’m still here for a reason. I was put on this earth to make a change, I can feel that so deeply in my bones now more than ever. I know what it's like to sit in a hospital and have no one listen to you. I know what it's like to feel so desperate for peace you're willing to die for it. I was put here to be help others who feel their voices have also gone unheard. I was born into a life a pain to learn from it so I could help others before it's too late for them. I won't ever claim to be a strong person who found myself and is now making a great come back. I am just a person who figured out her own life purpose. I am a human being still struggling daily and accepting that it is okay to. I am a student, caretaker of my father, a full-time employee, a lover trying to figure out healthy ways to communicate and be respected, and most importantly a SURVIVOR.
It's impossible to put your whole life onto paper and expect people to understand. Sometimes there are things too dark to mention and that is okay. Life is not always easy, and whoever tells you it is, is lying to you. There will be bumps and you will take the wrong turns. What makes us who we are is how we try to make it back to the right path. People often say happiness is the goal. I disagree, I believe the goal should be peace. Peace within our whole bodies regardless if you are happy or sad. Peace in knowing that in the end everything is going to be okay.
I will be ok and so will you.
I am Alyssa, I love and accept myself