I've changed. A million times over. I've turned myself inside out to be right where I am now. I've been cut open so deep that the slightest breeze could bring me to my knees. I've been alone in the darkness. In that place where the voices that told me I wouldn't and couldn't overcome were the loudest. I refused to stay there. I couldn't live in the cage of regret. My soul howled and cried so loudly it rattled the bars from the pain of not knowing how to get out. But I did.
I freed myself.
And I ran furiously. Knowing nothing could cage me again.
There's no promise of tomorrow for any of us. There's no guarantee that I'll get a second chance to experience the people in my life right now and to love each moment. To dance on my own. I'll NEVER have this chance again. There will never be another me in all of creation. This is it, my life and I decide how I live it. Who I love. How I love. And who gets to be a part of it. I have today to give everything I have to who I am now and to who I am going to become. I get this moment right now to be free to be as loud and wild with my heart as I want to be. So I changed. I pushed passed my fear.
When I left my marriage I knew I'd never be the same. I was taking the hardest step I had ever taken. I had given 9 years of my life to this person, but I knew there was no going back. I was so broken inside. My light was dead and buried. I was told again and again that I wasn't worth it. In actions. In words. I was an option. Respect, loyalty and devotion were all optional depending on his mood and depending on which person he was that day.
So I walked. No, I crawled. I dug my nails in and I scraped my way out. I was emotionally raw by the end. I couldn't remember what the world looked like without the haze of misery, self doubt and blame. I thought I would never stand up straight again. I was a quitter and I was selfish.
At least that is what he wanted me to believe.
It took distance, time, and real love from others around me in order for the truth to find its way in.
I struggled with doubt, especially when it came to my children. Did I even have a right? To find my own happiness? To find my light again? Did I deserve to be free of the toxicity of that relationship? Was I hurting them? When I looked at my kids and at what it means to really be a mother, I know I'm showing them what it means to be strong. It became very clear. I had every right, every obligation to do what was best for me. I was withering away into a darkness that I might not of been able to come back from. I needed to save myself before they were touched by that darkness. Before they were affected in a way that would keep them from having healthy relationships themselves. Before that image of my unhappiness settled in to them and kept them from being the absolute best versions of themselves as adults.
I choose my light. I choose be the best version of myself and to let my choices set an example for them in their lives.
Sometimes we have to leave people behind. We have to make choices that break us in the process but the journey constructs us into the people we were meant to be. There will be haters, doubters and blamers. Stay true to yourself, don't worry about those that can't handle the truth or your light.
Those that are meant to be in your life will throw a pair of shades on and smile at how beautiful your light is.
I am Naomi, a Brave Babe
I love and accept myself.