It's hard to pinpoint exactly where it started.
But I can tell you exactly when I hit rock bottom.
High school was easy for me. I got good grades. I was consumed by being an athlete and having a boyfriend. I didn't really pick up on it until a few years ago. Ever since I was old enough to date, I dated. So many boyfriends. Such a big social life. Life was pretty grand. But then I started noticing patterns. Started noticing that I never wanted to be alone. I would find myself slipping back into my thoughts after another failed relationship. I didn't want to share my own space with myself. Having a boyfriend meant that I could focus on the other person and completely push my own insecurities somewhere deep inside. I would fall fast and hard for these boys. It was a whirlwind really. But then I would get bored. Start looking for my next project. And then the cycle would continue.
It wasn't until I got involved with him that everything shifted. He manipulated me. He verbally abused me. Knocked me down so much that I started to believe that I was the problem. I was brainwashed. Hopelessly in love with a man that didn't exist. My highs were too high and my lows were very very low. My anxiety coursed through my veins and told me that I deserved this. I lost weight. I stopped trying to explain myself. I simply just existed with tears in my eyes.
Then one day, I woke up. I realized how much more I was worth. How every cell in my body was screaming at me to love myself. to stand up for myself.
The memories are still there but the pain isn't.
So I did really well for awhile. Healing. Recovering. Trusting myself. Until one day something broke inside me. I hated my job. I was single. My anxiety was so bad that I didn't want to leave my house. I lost weight (again) and felt like a prisoner in my own head. I remember the heartbreaking moment when I found out a treatment center near me wouldn't take my insurance. I felt lost, but instead of pushing it down, I fought back. I called my doctor. I found therapy again. I quit my old job and started a new one. I slowly started piecing myself back together,.
The anxiety part of me will never go away. My triggers are continuously changing and I'm sure I'll always struggle with the person I see in the mirror, but I haven't given up. Every day I wake up and fight my own demons over and over again. Don't get me wrong, it's really, really hard, but conquering your fears one at a time is how you move forward.
I'm Liv, a Brave Babe
and I finally love and accept myself.